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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
backwoodstrashxxx

the-domain-of-stein asked:

what are some things that are essential for a new bate cave

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I love this question. I’ve given much thought to this over the years & have a billion ideas for building the ideal bate cave, but trying to fully execute its design & layout is a rather ambitious project & not to mention extremely difficult to implement with only one free hand & a limited budget.

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For starters, how amazing would it be if your bate cave was an actual cave?! There’d be no better atmosphere than a dark, dank dwelling hidden deep inside a hollowed-out hole of earth in which to sate your primitive solosexual desires like a nasty Neanderthal. Imagine the acoustics; the sloppy sounds of monkeybate ricocheting off the walls; grunts & groans & goontard bator babble echoing for miles. It’d be the best aural sex of your life.

I suppose the only drawback for some of us might be the possibility that we’d one day be discovered like this poor guy, but who can fault him? We should all be so lucky to die doing what we love. Fucking #goals, tbh.

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Anyhow, I digress…

I think the foremost essential in any bate den is–of course–the bate chair. It should be comfortable, durable, & suitable for marathon masturbation. It should be a throne fit for a King. This beautiful beast is at the top of my wishlist:

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I also think the room should consist of several different media devices simultaneously displaying the hardcore pornography of your choice during prolonged edge sessions. For example, there should be a laptop, a desktop, a tablet, a phone, a couple of flatscreens w/ DVD players, an old clunker for discontinued vintage VHS tapes from the 80s & an enormous home theater screen at the center of it all:

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Many years ago [I think I was still in high school], I used to get dope from some creepy scumbag that had a room in his trashed-out trailer park traphouse unlike anything I had ever seen before or since. It was equal parts fucking disturbing / oddly arousing & what I can really only sum up as some serious “tweaker shit”. The memory of it is forever emblazoned in my mind. Dude had this squalid bedroom of wall-to-wall clippings from what had to be hundreds (if not thousands) of old porno magazines; pictures meticulously cut out & crafted into a never-ending collage of cocks & cunts & holes; all pieced together, overlapping, interconnecting & pasted from wall to wall to wall. It was an intricate schizophrenic mural of pure smut. It was like this, but multiplied by infinity:

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At the time, I remember I was super skeeved out by it & by him especially [regardless of the fact that I’d let him suck me off from time to time in exchange for an 8-ball; I mean after all the fucking perv did have the best shit in town]. In retrospect, although it’s still pretty creepy, I respect the dude’s creativity & think that maybe one wall [but not all four walls] in a bate cave would look kinda rad like that. *shrugs* Perhaps this neon sign mounted atop it would be an apropos accent piece:

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The other walls, however, would be nothing but mirrors because quite frankly, I am my favorite porn of all & I firmly believe that every bator’s favorite bate fuel should be their own reflection. 

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It goes without saying that even the most basic bate cave should be fully stocked with enough poppers & penis grease to comfortably survive a nuclear holocaust:

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…And naturally, a vast array of cockrings & ballstretchers & buttplugs & jockstraps & Fleshlights & pocket-pussies & rubber cunts & dildos & fucktoys & dongpumps & cumrags & piss cups & bate gear & gasmasks galore as well. There should not be any furniture containing drawers. I feel that anything you might normally keep hidden in a dresser or nightstand should be unabashedly placed on display in one’s bate cave. All of the aforementioned items ought to be lain on coffeetables or surfaces or in greasy heaps on the floor. There is nothing to hide. Take pride in your pigpen & don’t forget to mark your territory.

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I could literally go on forever, but I won’t. I think I’ve hit on some of the more important key elements here. With or without any or all of these things, let’s be real: Wherever the fuck you happen to be at any given point in time, as soon as you whip your dick out, spit shine it, & start milking–THERE YOU ARE–you’ve arrived. The whole world is your bate cave, brother, & the most essential part is YOU & YOUR DONG.

- bT